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found two ding-a-lings in that field…can you tell which one’s yours?’ ‘Ahh…shit, I don’t know….hell, I’ll take the big black one.’ Seriously. It could happen.” 

Whether one believes his story or not, Bower seemed satisfied with the results of his experiment.

“Oh, yeah, I accomplished what I set out to do,” said a confident Bower, while he sat back on his couch downing a bag of cheetos, “I boldly went where no one had gone before. Was the quest dangerous? Sure. But, I think I’m a better man for it.”

Perhaps Bower has stumbled upon what truly proves the worth of a man: getting a good gander at his cornhole. If only we could all be that brave the world might be a much nicer, kinder, gentler place to live.

ORLANDO, FL— After years of apprehension, lifelong Florida resident, Jack Bower, took the plunge and decided to “check out” his asshole.

“I’ve been on this earth for over 20 years, and I have no idea what my asshole looks like,” said Bower, “I thought, ‘Hey, if its just gonna hang out back there, I’d better get a good look at it.”

“It blew my freakin’ mind,” added Bower.

Bower stated in an interview Sunday that he had been sitting around watching old reruns of The Twilight Zone when he got the idea to finally take a look at his asshole.

“The Twilight Zone always puts me in a weird mood like that,” said Bower, “I’ve come up with some crazy shit before while watching The Zone.” 

Crazy shit, indeed. But no idea had been crazier than this one as Jimmy Masterson was concerned. 

“His asshole? Are you serious??” said Jimmy Masterson, Bower’s childhood friend, in total disbelief, “Christ, he hasn’t seen his feet since grade school.”

But even in the midst of his friend’s skepticism, Bowers continued to stand by his story, “I used the full length mirror my mom got for me when I first moved into my own place. I figured that it would be the only mirror I had that would give me the greatest possibility of my getting a pretty good gander at my business.”

“How in God’s name would that work?” asked Sylvia Stein, Bower’s superior at the Pick N’ Save, “I ain’t no Rocket Surgeon or nothin’, But…Bower’s a big boy. I’d think it would take more

than a full-length mirror to do…well…you know. What he wanted to do…with his ass.”

“I will admit, it was a little difficult,” admitted Bower, “I had to reach one hand back to pull back my ass cheeks, and use the other hand to grab corner of my dresser for balance. Then, I had to crane my neck around to actually see it. My asshole, I mean. It was like a bad game a’Twister.”

While there is no reason to disbelieve Jack’s “ass account”, The Cucumber lent the professional opinion of Mechanical Physics Professor, John Templeton. Our question: was Jack’s story physically possible.

“Absolutely not,” stated Dr. Templeton, “I am sure that Mr. Bower is an honest fellow; but he would have needed a three-mirror system to even catch a glimpse of his…subject.”  

Regardless of the physical probability of Bower seeing his asshole, his friends and family have expressed difficulty getting past to why he would want to do such a thing in the first place. 

“What’s he doin’ worrin’ about his asshole, anyway?,” asked Masterson, “I’d figure that a guy of would be concerned know...his junk.”

“Yeah,” agreed Kellie Houghton, Masterson’s girlfriend, who weighted in on Jack’s anal ambitions, “What if some gal goes all Lorana Bobbit on’m and he wasn’t able to id it? ‘Hey Jack, we

Jack Bower sitting on his couch just days after his anal voyeurism episode. 

Top Ten Life Lessons We Can Learn From Our Ass

Sketch of Templeton’s Three-Mirror System (Not to scale).

While checking out one’s asshole may not change the world, that doesn’t mean that it has nothing to teach us. Here are the Top Ten life lessons that we can learn from our ass...


10. There are two sides to everything.


 9. Sometimes it’s easier for things to go out than for things to go in.


 8. Just because something has a crack in it, doesn’t render it useless.


 7. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one.


 6. There are times when the presence of hair makes not fucking sense.


 5. Doing a “dry run” is never a good idea.


 4. There’s nothing that a little water and sodium phosphate can’t cure.


 3. Sometimes bigger is better.


 2. Never stand too close to a reliable and active source of natural gas.


 1. Some places just aren’t fit for gerbils.